Endless BS thread

If you get a painful burn take a leaf off an aloe vera plant and rub the juice inside it over the burn - almost instant relief.

for some reason prepacked aloe jel doesn't seem to work anywhere near as well

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day. And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified brits sent NASA the disastrous results of their experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Thaw the chicken."

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably mad.

Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

Mav...I have a parrot. I find that story to be totally hilarious.

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Can a person be punned to death?? Those hurt!

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap.

...."Well, It was my first day with the hook."

TBARA Wildchild said:

Oh where do I start!!?? I'm BORED!! Can't drive,Take 10min. walk around block, Take pills I'm BORED!!!! Take 10min walk aroundblock(it's something to do,Neighbors get to laugh at my funny walk!!)Oh Did I tell you I'm BORED!!!
Can't lift any thing more than a coffee mug!! But not in previous pain just that from the surgery.Please I'm not feeling sorry for my self just trying to be funny!!! Cause did I tell you I'm BORED!!!
Doug

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Well, maybe you could get on here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV2ViNJFZC8

maverick?

https://vimeo.com/112844773

.

.

That's so ironic! I just started back playing hockey about 2 months ago. Just starting to get my wheels back under me.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration "Darn! This one is barefoot too!"

Men are Deep Thinkers

I mowed the lawn today, and. after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really. quite beautiful, and the drink. facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me. what I was doing and I said 'nothing.'

The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have. said 'about what,' At that point I would. have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked. in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some. heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked. in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"

Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks."

"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,

"No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico, our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews." "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."

old 15 year old

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ff6D3HSCi9s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jiu5DT0Hqk

shoulda' guessed

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forbigpicture said:

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First close-up fotos of Pluto have scientists concerned