Blue
Well-known member
(Taken years ago from Mopar Muscle)
Long, but FUNNY!!!
The Right Tool For The Right Job.
I was paging through the latest Sears Tool Catalog the other day and
I noticed something very wrong. It was the tool use descriptions-
obviously written by some guy who never picked up a screwdriver in
his life. We here at Mopar Action, on the other hand, use all kinds
of tools every day, so we know first-hand what there supposed to do.
We also know that many of you readers use tools on occasion and may
be familiar with the Sears catalog. Judge for yourself which
tool-use descriptions are more true to life--theirs or ours.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; it works
particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops and tonneau
covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works well for
drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a Neon sedan
directly above the rear brake line.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: Used to chew rounded bolt heads down to 1/8 diameter.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale
garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the socket drawer
(what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never
remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the
PX at Fort Campbell
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it
takes you to say: mother(*)?/#@!&
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Neon to the ground after
you have installed a set of lowering springs, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the front air dam.
EIGHT-FOOT-LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering a car upward off
a hydraulic jack.
GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; it's used mainly for getting dog **** off your
boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is 10 times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup on crankshaft dampeners.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the sunshine
vitamin, which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil can sand splash oil on your shirt; it can also be
used , as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 34 years ago
in Hamtrack, Michigan, and snaps them off
Long, but FUNNY!!!
The Right Tool For The Right Job.
I was paging through the latest Sears Tool Catalog the other day and
I noticed something very wrong. It was the tool use descriptions-
obviously written by some guy who never picked up a screwdriver in
his life. We here at Mopar Action, on the other hand, use all kinds
of tools every day, so we know first-hand what there supposed to do.
We also know that many of you readers use tools on occasion and may
be familiar with the Sears catalog. Judge for yourself which
tool-use descriptions are more true to life--theirs or ours.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; it works
particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops and tonneau
covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works well for
drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a Neon sedan
directly above the rear brake line.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: Used to chew rounded bolt heads down to 1/8 diameter.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale
garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the socket drawer
(what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never
remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the
PX at Fort Campbell
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it
takes you to say: mother(*)?/#@!&
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Neon to the ground after
you have installed a set of lowering springs, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the front air dam.
EIGHT-FOOT-LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering a car upward off
a hydraulic jack.
GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; it's used mainly for getting dog **** off your
boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is 10 times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup on crankshaft dampeners.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the sunshine
vitamin, which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil can sand splash oil on your shirt; it can also be
used , as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 34 years ago
in Hamtrack, Michigan, and snaps them off
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