Odd Contradictions and Associations

[Torch]

Things that make you go Hmmmm...

Anything funny no haters just laughing finger pointers.
How funny can you be?
hasta be original or at least you thought so when you thunk it up

I'll start.

Ever notice that folks on a forum about digging out old junk and going to the ends of the earth to resurrect it...
Get so bent out shape when someone dredges up an old thread with a fresh post [P

Oh wait...no ...heres a better smiley

Here's more:

Y'all know what loaded statements are right?
How frustrating they can be with the other person leading you right to the answer he wants to hear from you???
How about something fun

I call them Unloaded statements

When a speaker innocently or mistakenly asks a question where the most inappropriate answer will forever overshadow any attempt to continue a serious conversation.

A few of my answers to "Unloaded statements" people have asked

Q-"Do you know what I miss the most"
A-"The smell of spray paint in a Wallmart Bag?"

Q-"Know what the funniest thing about people is"
A-"Yeah, the way they bounce when their chute doesn't open?"

Q-"Where did everybody go?"
A-"It's Estimated as many as 10,000 people a year are simply eaten"

Q-"Can you watch my dog for a minute?"
A-"Sure (pet the pooch and give it a squeeze as you say) Good marbling!"

Q-"Hi how are you?"
A-"Hi yourself and see how you like it"

Q-"What do you think your doing?"
A-"I know what I'm doing what do YOU think I'm doing?"

Q-"Do you know how fast you were going"
A-"How fast do you think I was going?"

Q-"Where were you going in such a hurry?"
A-"I was coming here, Now I'm hoping to be going somewhere else"

Trucker (on Cb calling for his buddy)-"Hey Joe you got it on?"
Me (butting in in a Mortimer snerd voice)-"He sure does and boy don't it look fancy"
Trucker- "I wasn't talking to you"
Me-"Sorry I thought you were talking to someone else"
Trucker-"Your an Idiot"
Me-"Whattaya telling me for... I aint gonna figgure it out"

Ode to Andy Griffith:
There once was a Smokey bear
Wore the finest Pomade in his hair
As he combed through his thicket
he said there's no need for a ticket
With a smile
And a wink
Debonair

 

[Torch]

Someone once told me I couldn't sing
My reply was this:
"Who said I was singing Einstein, I know I can't sing I wasn;t even trying.
I was talking loud with rhythm but a little bit off key Can't you tell the difference or is it you can't listen as bad as I cant sing?"

"But if you must know I was once offered a recording contract but was kicked out of Nashville.
Ya see this fella told me he could make me a star. Now I wasn't getting my hopes up. I just figured like anyone else in Nashville if I could get in on a couple hit records I could get a job waiting tables in a good restaurant.
I told him, well I can't sing see... he said don't worry about that we have folks that can sing for you.
I said, Well I ain't too handsome neither.
He said we have beautiful people galore to make the videos and public appearances even some good lip syncs...
Well... I can't write nothing. what are they going to sing.
He said they had teams of writers to write all the songs. most have been written already and just need to be jostled around a little to freshen them up.

I said to him... Mr so and so big pants I just can't figure out what you need me for!
He said "Well, Y'all aint in rehab and we need someone can cash a check"

That was honest enough for me so we shook hands
and made an appointment to be down on music row the very next day to get started.

I put on my best.
I had this 10 gallon hat that I had an extra half gallon added on and a pheasant tail
And a rainbow striped resistol button snap shirt with a white butterfly collar
And some purple corduroy bell bottoms that looked fabulous with my Mexican pointy boots
And I had these custom spurs made for me by the garden weasel company boy howdy I was ready to rock and roll.

So here's where I got kicked out of Nashville

I'm half a block from the studio when an officer stops me.
He wanted to see my union card and arrested me for operating all that country and western gear without a permit can you imagine that?"

 

[Torch]

2 guys fightin

These 2 fellas were fightin on the radio about fightin

You see, they were supposed to meet to kick each others ass and one was accusing the other of backing out and that was getting them both ticked off.

So one is like "I'm all right here waiting to send you back to school, where you at fool?"

And the other was all like " I just passed you, I'll wait for you at the next off ramp if your man enough"

The first one says "I'll be there and you better still be there when I get there or it'll really be on"

Some other fella butted in saying "I'd like to see this...sounds like it'll be a helluva fight"

I butted in saying
"I ain't too sure about that. I've been listening a couple minutes now and I'm not so sure either one of these 2 sidewalk sissies knows the difference between fighting and rough sex.
I don't understand why these tough guys get so worked up and excited over a fight.
You see once they get all into it there's going to be a lot of sweating and tugging and rolling around on the ground then before you know it they'll all be laying back in the grass watching the clouds go by sharing an after fight smoke and it'll be like
I like the way you hit me
I like the way you hit me too
Got some blood on your shirt
Oh it ain't mine it's yours, i ain't never washing it out.

 

[CR55]

You sure are quite the bizarre character Torcman!

 

[Sam_Fear]

You sure are quite the bizarre character Torcman!

He's a trucker - that explains at least half of it.

 

[CR55]

He's a trucker - that explains at least half of it.

I hope he's not writing these things while he's driving...if he is I hope its not in my area!

 

[bob w]

T-Man, You need to find a job where you get paid by the word.

I've been searching the 'net for an amateur Philosopher's Group for you but haven't found anything yet. I'd join it too, by the way.

 

[Snake Farm]

How's come they call Wednesday "hump day" when most folks get lucky on the weekend [S

 

[earthman]

That is funny stuff T-mann! You can make big bucks writing stuff that good

 

[sgtpontiac]

In Michigan you can't text while driving....

but it doesn't say a thing about surfing......
TM??? you had a wee too much coffee today????

 

[RAT IHC]

T-Man I agree with Bob...you need to get paid by the word.

My contribution: Why do you say "I'm going to take a dump" when you're actually going to "Leave" it?

-Troy

 

[sgtpontiac]

Ok....I'm up for this.....

Why do you say "get "on" the plane" when you mean to get "in" the plane?
there is no such thing as a "plastic" glass.....
How can someone be "awfully Nice"?
How can you have anything that is "altogether seperate"?
Can you have a "new" classic?
When was the last time you did something "Accidently on purpose"?
why do you have to click the "start" button to shut down?
When was the last time you made "deliberate" mistake?
Have you ever seen anything that was "enormously" small?
And my last contribution...... When was the last time you ate "Fresh" sour cream?

Ok, I'm done now.....

 

[CR55]

Some more..
Why are asteroids in space but hemorrhoids are on your a**?
why do we park on the driveway but drive on the parkway?

 

[hotrod preacher]

i'm concerned that the amount & quality of "BS" is directly proportional to the amount & quality of time we have here...

if a man makes a statement and his wife is not there to correct him, is he still wrong?[S

 

[Sam_Fear]

I hope he's not writing these things while he's driving...if he is I hope its not in my area!

Better writing than watching movies - those put him to sleep. [ddd

 

[Snake Farm]

Why do people say "I could care less" when they really mean they couldn't care less

 

[Snake Farm]

if a man makes a statement and his wife is not there to correct him, is he still wrong?[S

Oooooh yeah! He sure is [ddd

 

[sgtpontiac]

Are you trying to tell us something?????

i'm concerned that the amount & quality of "BS" is directly proportional to the amount & quality of time we have here...

if a man makes a statement and his wife is not there to correct him, is he still wrong?[S

Quality and directly proportional are pretty much like blame and credit....they both are worth about the same thing....lol
My wife would agree that regardless of what I've said and who is around, I am mistaken.....
I used to tell my kids....I'm not often right....but I'm never wrong....[S

 

[the reverend muddy grimes]

theres alot of Carlinisms in here

 

[sgtpontiac]

Not familiar with that term....

theres alot of Carlinisms in here

Who is Carl???